You Fat Tosser – lose some weight!
Losing weight is never easy if you are a fat tosser. Thats right, you read it correctly – if you are reading this, you are clearly a fat, idle, good for nothing, tosser, who likes nothing better than a Frey Bentos Steak Pie and 6 pints of Old Peculier in your local hostelry.
Pull yourself together man! There's no shame in it.
Why have you let yourself get in this way? What benefit are you to society apart from keeping whole businesses going by purchasing social mobility cars, fish & chips and oversize trousers?
Have you smelt the emissions from your bottom? No? If you did ever manage to bend over that far the stench would put you off being fat ever again.
A fat man sat on a chair in an office I worked at for less than 10 minutes. The chair had to be burnt it stank so badly.
Burden on society? You bet.
Not sure if you are fat? Take the following test:
Run to your nearest takeaway and back.
New Page for Trick Question Answer
Aha – got you. If you knew where your nearest takeaway is located you are clearly fat. Fat, lazy, stupid and in need of help from this book.
Still alive after running to the takeaway and back? You are probably not as fat as you think. Pull your socks up, get a life – get some exercise.
Reading this having just had a heart attack after running to the takeaway? Bad luck, not only are you fat, you are also a loser. Your heart was clearly weak and in need of an attack to stimulate the receptors in your ventricles.
The key to a happy and meaningful well being is contained within this book – YOU have the power to change your life, YOU can make a difference to your miserable existence, YOU can reach out, embrace change, and go forward with your career, your family relationships and an active social life, knowing you are no longer fat.
No more children following you up the road throwing sausages at you, no more changing your trousers every time you flatulate, no more inevitable questions from your children as to why the fridge and all the food cupboards are bare all the time, no more embarrassment at Christmas when you eat 5 selection boxes in one sitting and make all the children cry.
YOU can change (obviously only once you have spent £1.99 on The Fatmans Guide to Not Being Fat by Dave David) and become a normal person again.
You have to buy this book – if you borrow it from the library I guarantee that it will not work. Take it back immediately. Go straight to your small, local book shop and order yourself a copy. Write your name in the front in the special “Fat Person ID tag”. Put your hand on your heart (if you can find it under the mounds of flab) and say every morning to yourself:
“ I am not fat, and I am not a tosser. I am me. There is no ‘m’ in fat. There is no ‘e’ in fat. I swear I will stop being fat as quickly as possible, or God or other deity (choose your own) can strike me down and cease the production of Maltesers forever.”
Best Free Tip for Men Losing Weight? Do it quickly before you die a miserable and lonely death.
Keith David, Weight Loss Guru from North Wales. Be proud of your body but lose weight. Don't be a fat tosser.