Thursday, 22 September 2011

Best Free Tip for Men Losing Weight

You Fat Tosser – lose some weight!

Losing weight is never easy if you are a fat tosser. Thats right, you read it correctly – if you are reading this, you are clearly a fat, idle, good for nothing, tosser, who likes nothing better than a Frey Bentos Steak Pie and 6 pints of Old Peculier in your local hostelry.

Pull yourself together man! There's no shame in it.

Why have you let yourself get in this way? What benefit are you to society apart from keeping whole businesses going by purchasing social mobility cars, fish & chips and oversize trousers?

Have you smelt the emissions from your bottom? No? If you did ever manage to bend over that far the stench would put you off being fat ever again.

A fat man sat on a chair in an office I worked at for less than 10 minutes. The chair had to be burnt it stank so badly.

Burden on society? You bet.

Not sure if you are fat? Take the following test:

Test 1

Run to your nearest takeaway and back.

New Page for Trick Question Answer

Aha – got you. If you knew where your nearest takeaway is located you are clearly fat. Fat, lazy, stupid and in need of help from this book.

Still alive after running to the takeaway and back? You are probably not as fat as you think. Pull your socks up, get a life – get some exercise.

Reading this having just had a heart attack after running to the takeaway? Bad luck, not only are you fat, you are also a loser. Your heart was clearly weak and in need of an attack to stimulate the receptors in your ventricles.

The key to a happy and meaningful well being is contained within this book – YOU have the power to change your life, YOU can make a difference to your miserable existence, YOU can reach out, embrace change, and go forward with your career, your family relationships and an active social life, knowing you are no longer fat.

No more children following you up the road throwing sausages at you, no more changing your trousers every time you flatulate, no more inevitable questions from your children as to why the fridge and all the food cupboards are bare all the time, no more embarrassment at Christmas when you eat 5 selection boxes in one sitting and make all the children cry.

YOU can change (obviously only once you have spent £1.99 on The Fatmans Guide to Not Being Fat by Dave David) and become a normal person again.

You have to buy this book – if you borrow it from the library I guarantee that it will not work. Take it back immediately. Go straight to your small, local book shop and order yourself a copy. Write your name in the front in the special “Fat Person ID tag”. Put your hand on your heart (if you can find it under the mounds of flab) and say every morning to yourself:

“ I am not fat, and I am not a tosser. I am me. There is no ‘m’ in fat. There is no ‘e’ in fat. I swear I will stop being fat as quickly as possible, or God or other deity (choose your own) can strike me down and cease the production of Maltesers forever.”

Best Free Tip for Men Losing Weight? Do it quickly before you die a miserable and lonely death.

Keith David, Weight Loss Guru from North Wales. Be proud of your body but lose weight. Don't be a fat tosser.

Monday, 19 September 2011

How to Achieve Dietary Success by Nailing your Scrotum to a Plank

Let's get straight into this conundrum. Is it possible to lose weight by nailing your scrotum to a plank?

The answer is 'Hell, Yes'.

Try it. Get a nail gun, a piece of wood, a plank and a mobile phone within grabbing distance.

Put the piece of wood in your mouth, place your 'Gulab Jamun' onto the plank, squeeze the nail gun and prepare yourself for a bit of unbearable P A I N.

If you pass out, don't worry, this is normal. If you manage to do this without passing out, well done. You are in the top 10% of fat people who can nail their scrotum to a plank without fainting.

If you nail one of your testicles to a plank it is probably worth calling 999. Think of an excuse first before calling, because otherwise the ambulancemen will think you are a complete mental case. Ever tried to pee whilst stuck in a straitjacket?

Try "I was fixing a chair when all of a sudden I slipped and accidentally nailed myself to a plank. Could have happened to anyone".

What on earth does this have to do with losing weight? Simple. Not only will you lose weight, but you will get lovely ladies looking at you and improve your social life.

With your scrotum nailed to a plank you will not be able to go to the supermarket to buy food. Why? You will not be able to drive your car - the plank will get in the way of the steering wheel.
If you go to the supermarket you will be arrested for indecent exposure. Better be careful with any food in your house.... Starving is the top way to lose weight. You will be unable to drink very much. Why? Because there will be a hole in your scrotum and the urine will leak out onto the floor.

In a few days the pain will be so unbearable you will pluck up the courage to go to the doctors and get the nail and plank removed. Everyone in the doctors surgery will laugh, but all the nurses will be erotically aroused by the sight of your testicles. By now these will have swollen to the size of a bull's bollocks and make you irresistible to women.

I guarantee that you will lose at least 3 stone in two weeks with this technique.

Please note that all my advice comes with an exclusion of liability. I can guarantee that you will lose 3 stone in weight by following this plan, but I cannot guarantee you will not die of blood poisoining from the nail, particularly if it comes out of a rusty old garden fence.

Don't forget to buy "The Fatman's Guide to Not Being Fat". Guaranteed to make you lose weight, even by reading it.

Keith David, Expert Dieting Guru, Mold, North Wales.

Thursday, 10 February 2011

What do you do if the M6 and the M6 Toll Roads are closed and you want to go round Birmingham

This is a game a little similar to Mornington Crescent. What would you do if you were marooned on one side of Birmingham and wanted to get to the other side but could not use the M6 and the M6 Toll Road.

The answer in our pub, The Lump, takes about 30 mins to detail - just turn up on a Monday night and ask the regulars who will revel in trying to spin it out for the longest.

The answer however is very simple - find the A38 at Sutton Coldfield, or the A5 at Hinckley or the A34 at Shirley, stay on them and do not deviate away under any circumstances. It may take hours, but you will sooner or later drive through Birmingham and out the other side.

My mate Charlie the Canute once said that Birmingham is where he plans to go to die, as if he ends up in Hell he wouldnt notice too much of a difference to Birmingham City Centre. 

A bit harsh I think?

Sunday, 19 December 2010

International Book Trespass Day update

International Book Trespass day has gone well. It was great to meet you all in Mold, Warrington, Liverpool and Manchester. Hurrah to the oppressed authors of the UK and down with the monetarist capitalist pigs who run our bookshops and control our publishers.

You will all be very pleased (obviously excluding members of the secret service, the police and the capitalist lackeys who are reading this to glean intelligence about our protests) to know that there are now over 150 copies of the Fatman’s Guide to not Being Fat carefully placed on the shelves of bookshops across the North West, and well over 200 other authors’ books in bookshops across the UK as a result of our ground breaking, revolutionary action.

We are due in Chester today at 3..30pm and looking forward to meeting many more of our supporters who are giving their time and risking their liberty to make the publishers & bookshop owners pay attention to the demands of the small man on the street.

See you in Chester! Keep the protests real, don’t hit policemen or urinate over shop windows. Policemen have feelings too and your urine can actually melt the shop window causing distress to window fitting company workers. Solidarity with the workers!

Timetable for our action has been removed to prevent the police and the book shops’ private security companies following us as we travel the country.  (Blog Ends).

Wednesday, 8 December 2010

Seaweed Recipes - free to download


Welcome to the Seaweed Blog, a collection of extraordinary life-altering recipes using the miraculous qualities of naturally grown Welsh seaweed. Losing weight does not need to be arduous when you use these recipes to change your lifestyle and eating habits. The recipes must be used in conjunction with The Fatman Technique, a revolutionary plan to change a fat person’s life forever without dieting. The best guide to the Fatman Technique is “The Fatmans Guide to not being Fat”, by Keith David, priced £19.99 and available to order on this website.

Why is seaweed a miracle cure for Fat People?
You will need to read ‘The Fatman’s Guide to not being Fat’ to find out. Priced at £19.99 it is very reasonable.

Locating your Seaweed:
This is very simple. Get hold of the times of high tide and low tide for your local beach and take a carrier bag and a knife. Welsh seaweed contains unique dietary properties not found in any parts of the UK, although we have heard of similar health benefits being derived from seaweed gathered in Normandy. Collect seaweed below the high tide point to ensure that you do not confuse seaweed with any dried dog poo or effluent from sewerage pipes by mistake. A carrier bag full will last you about 2 weeks, so if you live a long way from the beach it may be worth taking a wheelbarrow and a few bin bags. Once you get the seaweed home it is important to puree it into a usable liquid, and freeze it in blocks, a little like frozen spinach. Simply use your food processor to liquidize the whole plant, squeezing out any excess water before starting. Some purists like to add a dash of tarragon to their seaweed but it is debatable whether this really has any effect.

Breakfast Recipes:

  1. Seaweed, Raisins, Semi-Skimmed Milk and Bananas.

Perfect to get you moving in and out the bedroom (to paraphrase Huey Lewis). Simply use your food processor to mix up seaweed with the bananas and add milk and raisins to the bowl. Warning – the first time you try this you may feel the urge to gag – do not worry - this passes in time.

  1. Seaweed on Toast.

Particularly palatable on white bread with lard, for some unknown reason. Toast your bread on both sides before adding the seaweed with a splash of Worcester sauce.

Lunchtime Recipes:

  1. Peanut butter and seaweed sandwiches.

Works well with granary bread and a bit of marmite mixed in with the seaweed. Spread the peanut butter evenly across the toast, ensuring there is enough seaweed to cover the whole slice.

  1. Boiled eggs, marmite soldiers and seaweed.

Simply add the seaweed to your marmite soldiers, dipping them into your runny egg. Are you a fattipuff or a thinnifer? (daft question if you are reading this I guess).

  1. Advocado, banana and seaweed rice crackers.

Deep fry the rice crackers in sesame oil, slice the advocado and banana, placing the seaweed on top of both with a twist of lemon and plenty of black pepper. Good for conversation at dinner parties.
Afternoon Tea:

Seaweed Cake

4 oz Self Raising Flour
3 oz Welsh Seaweed
4 oz Sugar
2 oz Butter
1 tsp baking powder
100g raisins
25g cinnamon
1 tub of single cream.

Mix all the ingredients together apart from the cream, and place in a cake tin. Bake for 40 mins in a 180 degree oven before removing from the cake tin and allowing to cool. Serve the cake whilst warm with single cream poured over the top.


Starter Suggestion: Avocado, Banana and Seaweed Rice Crackers – see above for details.
Main Course: Seaweed, Green Lentil and Red Pepper Tartlets served on a bed of wild rice.
Pudding: Seaweed cake.

(for details of the recipe for the main course, please purchase “The Fatmans Guide to not Being Fat”, priced at a very reasonable £19.99 and available for download from this website or Amazon).  

If you have any suggestions for modifying any of the above recipes, please let us know. Incidentally the word “seaweed” is not some sort of code for “cannabis”. Please look elsewhere for such recipes.

Keith David, Llandaffr DH, Denbighshire

Thursday, 2 December 2010

Fatmans Guide to Not Being Fat Book

Happy Fatty, P A I N and electronic tags for fat people - all explained in this revolutionary new guide to losing weight without dieting. Change your life, not your waistline. Changing your waistline won't change anything if you are a miserable fat person still without the extra weight....

For details please email

Friday, 26 November 2010

International Book Trespass Day 1st December 2010 - A Guide

Guide for International Book Trespass Day, 1st December 2010

Hello. My name is Keith David and I have written this guide to help you get the most out of International Book Trespass Day, 1st December.

Reclaim the book shelves from the multinational corporations who decide unilaterally what you or anyone else can buy or read in book shops and on the library shelves. Have you written a novel, a collection of poetry, a racy novel about your neighbourhood or simply a study of mediaeval landscape gardening but unable to get a publisher? Don’t bother. Use International Book Trespass Day to get your book noticed, read, loved and appreciated by a huge audience.

Here is how it works:

  1. Print out extracts from your book – if possible take published versions of your book with you, but obviously cost can be a bit prohibitive.
  2. Make a list of all the bookshops in your area.
  3. Print out the downloadable leaflet on International Book Trespass Day.
  4. Visit the bookshops and hand over a copy of the leaflet (the leaflet explains to the bookseller that you will be visiting the store incognito on the 1st December and depositing your book or an extract from your book on the shelves at random).
  5. On 1st December visit the bookstores in your area and deposit copies or extracts of your book on the shelves in suitable locations. Make sure you include a contact number, email address or website so that anyone finding your material can get in touch and enquire about your work.
  6. On your website or printed book cover you can now add “as seen in Waterstones/Foyles/WHSmith/Abbey National (obviously not much point Book Trespassing in the latter)”.
  7. Sit back and wait for sales to rocket.

Disclaimer: Keith David accepts no responsibility for anyone attempting to join International Book Trespass Day or take part in direct action. The above guide is simply a reflection on the modern publishing business and in no way should be used as a guide to trespass on bookshops.