Monday, 19 September 2011

How to Achieve Dietary Success by Nailing your Scrotum to a Plank

Let's get straight into this conundrum. Is it possible to lose weight by nailing your scrotum to a plank?

The answer is 'Hell, Yes'.

Try it. Get a nail gun, a piece of wood, a plank and a mobile phone within grabbing distance.

Put the piece of wood in your mouth, place your 'Gulab Jamun' onto the plank, squeeze the nail gun and prepare yourself for a bit of unbearable P A I N.

If you pass out, don't worry, this is normal. If you manage to do this without passing out, well done. You are in the top 10% of fat people who can nail their scrotum to a plank without fainting.

If you nail one of your testicles to a plank it is probably worth calling 999. Think of an excuse first before calling, because otherwise the ambulancemen will think you are a complete mental case. Ever tried to pee whilst stuck in a straitjacket?

Try "I was fixing a chair when all of a sudden I slipped and accidentally nailed myself to a plank. Could have happened to anyone".

What on earth does this have to do with losing weight? Simple. Not only will you lose weight, but you will get lovely ladies looking at you and improve your social life.

With your scrotum nailed to a plank you will not be able to go to the supermarket to buy food. Why? You will not be able to drive your car - the plank will get in the way of the steering wheel.
If you go to the supermarket you will be arrested for indecent exposure. Better be careful with any food in your house.... Starving is the top way to lose weight. You will be unable to drink very much. Why? Because there will be a hole in your scrotum and the urine will leak out onto the floor.

In a few days the pain will be so unbearable you will pluck up the courage to go to the doctors and get the nail and plank removed. Everyone in the doctors surgery will laugh, but all the nurses will be erotically aroused by the sight of your testicles. By now these will have swollen to the size of a bull's bollocks and make you irresistible to women.

I guarantee that you will lose at least 3 stone in two weeks with this technique.

Please note that all my advice comes with an exclusion of liability. I can guarantee that you will lose 3 stone in weight by following this plan, but I cannot guarantee you will not die of blood poisoining from the nail, particularly if it comes out of a rusty old garden fence.

Don't forget to buy "The Fatman's Guide to Not Being Fat". Guaranteed to make you lose weight, even by reading it.

Keith David, Expert Dieting Guru, Mold, North Wales.

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