Thursday, 22 September 2011

Best Free Tip for Men Losing Weight

You Fat Tosser – lose some weight!

Losing weight is never easy if you are a fat tosser. Thats right, you read it correctly – if you are reading this, you are clearly a fat, idle, good for nothing, tosser, who likes nothing better than a Frey Bentos Steak Pie and 6 pints of Old Peculier in your local hostelry.

Pull yourself together man! There's no shame in it.

Why have you let yourself get in this way? What benefit are you to society apart from keeping whole businesses going by purchasing social mobility cars, fish & chips and oversize trousers?

Have you smelt the emissions from your bottom? No? If you did ever manage to bend over that far the stench would put you off being fat ever again.

A fat man sat on a chair in an office I worked at for less than 10 minutes. The chair had to be burnt it stank so badly.

Burden on society? You bet.

Not sure if you are fat? Take the following test:

Test 1

Run to your nearest takeaway and back.

New Page for Trick Question Answer

Aha – got you. If you knew where your nearest takeaway is located you are clearly fat. Fat, lazy, stupid and in need of help from this book.

Still alive after running to the takeaway and back? You are probably not as fat as you think. Pull your socks up, get a life – get some exercise.

Reading this having just had a heart attack after running to the takeaway? Bad luck, not only are you fat, you are also a loser. Your heart was clearly weak and in need of an attack to stimulate the receptors in your ventricles.

The key to a happy and meaningful well being is contained within this book – YOU have the power to change your life, YOU can make a difference to your miserable existence, YOU can reach out, embrace change, and go forward with your career, your family relationships and an active social life, knowing you are no longer fat.

No more children following you up the road throwing sausages at you, no more changing your trousers every time you flatulate, no more inevitable questions from your children as to why the fridge and all the food cupboards are bare all the time, no more embarrassment at Christmas when you eat 5 selection boxes in one sitting and make all the children cry.

YOU can change (obviously only once you have spent £1.99 on The Fatmans Guide to Not Being Fat by Dave David) and become a normal person again.

You have to buy this book – if you borrow it from the library I guarantee that it will not work. Take it back immediately. Go straight to your small, local book shop and order yourself a copy. Write your name in the front in the special “Fat Person ID tag”. Put your hand on your heart (if you can find it under the mounds of flab) and say every morning to yourself:

“ I am not fat, and I am not a tosser. I am me. There is no ‘m’ in fat. There is no ‘e’ in fat. I swear I will stop being fat as quickly as possible, or God or other deity (choose your own) can strike me down and cease the production of Maltesers forever.”

Best Free Tip for Men Losing Weight? Do it quickly before you die a miserable and lonely death.

Keith David, Weight Loss Guru from North Wales. Be proud of your body but lose weight. Don't be a fat tosser.

Monday, 19 September 2011

How to Achieve Dietary Success by Nailing your Scrotum to a Plank

Let's get straight into this conundrum. Is it possible to lose weight by nailing your scrotum to a plank?

The answer is 'Hell, Yes'.

Try it. Get a nail gun, a piece of wood, a plank and a mobile phone within grabbing distance.

Put the piece of wood in your mouth, place your 'Gulab Jamun' onto the plank, squeeze the nail gun and prepare yourself for a bit of unbearable P A I N.

If you pass out, don't worry, this is normal. If you manage to do this without passing out, well done. You are in the top 10% of fat people who can nail their scrotum to a plank without fainting.

If you nail one of your testicles to a plank it is probably worth calling 999. Think of an excuse first before calling, because otherwise the ambulancemen will think you are a complete mental case. Ever tried to pee whilst stuck in a straitjacket?

Try "I was fixing a chair when all of a sudden I slipped and accidentally nailed myself to a plank. Could have happened to anyone".

What on earth does this have to do with losing weight? Simple. Not only will you lose weight, but you will get lovely ladies looking at you and improve your social life.

With your scrotum nailed to a plank you will not be able to go to the supermarket to buy food. Why? You will not be able to drive your car - the plank will get in the way of the steering wheel.
If you go to the supermarket you will be arrested for indecent exposure. Better be careful with any food in your house.... Starving is the top way to lose weight. You will be unable to drink very much. Why? Because there will be a hole in your scrotum and the urine will leak out onto the floor.

In a few days the pain will be so unbearable you will pluck up the courage to go to the doctors and get the nail and plank removed. Everyone in the doctors surgery will laugh, but all the nurses will be erotically aroused by the sight of your testicles. By now these will have swollen to the size of a bull's bollocks and make you irresistible to women.

I guarantee that you will lose at least 3 stone in two weeks with this technique.

Please note that all my advice comes with an exclusion of liability. I can guarantee that you will lose 3 stone in weight by following this plan, but I cannot guarantee you will not die of blood poisoining from the nail, particularly if it comes out of a rusty old garden fence.

Don't forget to buy "The Fatman's Guide to Not Being Fat". Guaranteed to make you lose weight, even by reading it.

Keith David, Expert Dieting Guru, Mold, North Wales.