Welcome to the Seaweed Blog, a collection of extraordinary life-altering recipes using the miraculous qualities of naturally grown Welsh seaweed. Losing weight does not need to be arduous when you use these recipes to change your lifestyle and eating habits. The recipes must be used in conjunction with The Fatman Technique, a revolutionary plan to change a fat person’s life forever without dieting. The best guide to the Fatman Technique is “The Fatmans Guide to not being Fat”, by Keith David, priced £19.99 and available to order on this website.
Why is seaweed a miracle cure for Fat People?
You will need to read ‘The Fatman’s Guide to not being Fat’ to find out. Priced at £19.99 it is very reasonable.
Locating your Seaweed:
This is very simple. Get hold of the times of high tide and low tide for your local beach and take a carrier bag and a knife. Welsh seaweed contains unique dietary properties not found in any parts of the UK, although we have heard of similar health benefits being derived from seaweed gathered in Normandy. Collect seaweed below the high tide point to ensure that you do not confuse seaweed with any dried dog poo or effluent from sewerage pipes by mistake. A carrier bag full will last you about 2 weeks, so if you live a long way from the beach it may be worth taking a wheelbarrow and a few bin bags. Once you get the seaweed home it is important to puree it into a usable liquid, and freeze it in blocks, a little like frozen spinach. Simply use your food processor to liquidize the whole plant, squeezing out any excess water before starting. Some purists like to add a dash of tarragon to their seaweed but it is debatable whether this really has any effect.
Breakfast Recipes:
- Seaweed, Raisins, Semi-Skimmed Milk and Bananas.
Perfect to get you moving in and out the bedroom (to paraphrase Huey Lewis). Simply use your food processor to mix up seaweed with the bananas and add milk and raisins to the bowl. Warning – the first time you try this you may feel the urge to gag – do not worry - this passes in time.
- Seaweed on Toast.
Particularly palatable on white bread with lard, for some unknown reason. Toast your bread on both sides before adding the seaweed with a splash of Worcester sauce.
Lunchtime Recipes:
- Peanut butter and seaweed sandwiches.
Works well with granary bread and a bit of marmite mixed in with the seaweed. Spread the peanut butter evenly across the toast, ensuring there is enough seaweed to cover the whole slice.
- Boiled eggs, marmite soldiers and seaweed.
Simply add the seaweed to your marmite soldiers, dipping them into your runny egg. Are you a fattipuff or a thinnifer? (daft question if you are reading this I guess).
- Advocado, banana and seaweed rice crackers.
Deep fry the rice crackers in sesame oil, slice the advocado and banana, placing the seaweed on top of both with a twist of lemon and plenty of black pepper. Good for conversation at dinner parties.
Afternoon Tea:
Seaweed Cake
4 oz Self Raising Flour
3 oz Welsh Seaweed
4 oz Sugar
2 oz Butter
1 tsp baking powder
100g raisins
25g cinnamon
1 tub of single cream.
Mix all the ingredients together apart from the cream, and place in a cake tin. Bake for 40 mins in a 180 degree oven before removing from the cake tin and allowing to cool. Serve the cake whilst warm with single cream poured over the top.
Dinner:
Starter Suggestion: Avocado, Banana and Seaweed Rice Crackers – see above for details.
Main Course: Seaweed, Green Lentil and Red Pepper Tartlets served on a bed of wild rice.
Pudding: Seaweed cake.
(for details of the recipe for the main course, please purchase “The Fatmans Guide to not Being Fat”, priced at a very reasonable £19.99 and available for download from this website or Amazon).
If you have any suggestions for modifying any of the above recipes, please let us know. Incidentally the word “seaweed” is not some sort of code for “cannabis”. Please look elsewhere for such recipes.
Keith David, Llandaffr DH, Denbighshire
